Channel surfing last night, I chanced upon this season’s Celebrity Big Brother completely by mistake. I made a most grave error when I didn’t immediately flick onto the next show.
The "ab-tastic" paparazzo, Darren Lyons
First there was a man with pink hair who I recall having seen at a polo game some years ago. I didn’t know his name but it turns out he’s some kind of “paparazzo” named Darren Lyons who comes complete with “fake abs.” With all his might, silver strips dangling from his locks, Lyons a bowl of risotto whilst one of the cast of The Only Way is Essex looked on in her “vajazzlled” bemusement.
An American named Pamela then appeared and it seemed she’d been cooking meat in salad dressing for hours. This particular lady seemed especially downbeat but maybe her excuse was that the producers had simply stopped her from getting access to a packet of Bisto. All became apparent, however, when I later discovered that she is actually the former wife of David “The Hoff” Hasselhoff. Her strange antics with food can easily be explained if you recall her ex’s drunken antics with a burger.
Meditating in a trance in the garden were the Jedward twins. If you quizzed me, I (sadly) wouldn’t be able to name one of their songs but their hairstyles are certainly unique. The pair shortly moved to a sauna cabin to eat cans of baked beans but if I were Heinz, I wouldn’t thank them for this attempt at product placement.
Kerry Katona and Bobby Sabel
Next up was Warrington’s finest export (other than Greenall’s Gin), Kerry Katona. This dimwit, who was once the face of Iceland, proceeded to annoy another housemate named Bobby Sabel who went to a room where he claimed the experience was “driving him bonkers.” I do sympathise, but Sabel should remember that he wasn’t forced into this “experience” by Hitler-esque forces.
My only reason for sticking with it was to check out the behaviour of Speaker Bercow’s wife, Sally. She was the last to appear and sauntered around for a few seconds before crashing out like a slob on a garden chair. Frankly she was the dullest of the lot. Richard Desmond’s certainly wasted £160,000 putting her in.
I got all of this from just five minutes watching this banality. Learn from my error: don’t let Big Brother watch you.
If you must watch, Celebrity Big Brother shows on Channel 5 each night. For more information see http://www.channel5.com/shows/celebrity-big-brother